batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
