We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
