Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
