I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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