Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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