I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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