im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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