Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
