and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
