First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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