So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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