Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
