I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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