I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
