We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize