can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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