Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
