Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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