so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Who wears a wallet chain?!
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
