I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
