I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
