Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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