im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
