gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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