I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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