We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
