saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
