just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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