I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
