I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
