Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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