There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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