party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
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