dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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