I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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