You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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