That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
