Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
