just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
