All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
