Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
