I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
