He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
it's like iHOP with fire
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize