Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize