I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I faked an abortion last night.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
