Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
