what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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