I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
