One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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