Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
