Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
