3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
