i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
