dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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