genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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