I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
