i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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