If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
